not really a poem just needed to vent.

Father, you taught me what it meant to live
with the judgement of others
and what it meant to rise above the hate.
now all that seems to surround me
is the fact that your never around,
what makes it worse is that I sit here and wait.

I feel so foolish and undeniably hurt.
I try to see things from your point of view to see if
none of this is really all you.
You will never understand how your actions in life
have negatively affected me and
the scars they've left along my lifes path.

I'm a product of my own parents abuse and neglect,
when you look at my daddy, does it make you sick?

There are times when I look in the mirror
I feel like I'm trapped in a body that wasn't meant to be mine
and a life that was given to me by mistake.
I know that there has to be a reason and a damn good one that I have
been put through this shitload of hell...

ah on egde

I want to let you know that I've done a few things I wasn't proud of. I said a few things that hurt you. Your still the only one who knows the real me. I don't know why I hurt myself again. I've lost count of how many times I've been here. I'm the only one to blame. I'm young, but I'm not naive. I just hope no one can see how many times I've dried these tears.

I think I'm just afraid to be happy because every time I'm happy something bad happens.

10 Goals to Self Improvement

10 GOALS TO SELF-IMPROVEMENT

1. Read a new book every month
2. Go to bed early, Wake up early
3. Study more on Buddhism every night
4. Find newer bands to listen to
5. Make it a point to write in my journal every night
6. Save up money for a new IPOD
7. Do my Yoga/Pilate videos every morning
8. Keep drawing !
9. Start writing songs again
10. Maintain a healthy diet

This won't be easy but these are MY goals and I will accomplish them.
Thanks for the idea, christofer drew. <3>

ATTENTION everyone whos wondering whats wrong with your girl !!!!!

I need to write and clear my head up. I have an hour to meet with that important beezy at Toni and Guy Hairdressing Academy. My world feels tilted. and honestly...nothing feels just about right. I'm trying to figure out what I want with my life. Sometimes I feel like I live through my fantasies I have in my head. That really make no sense. I live in Anna's world I'll be the first to admit.

I make no sense anymore. Everything I thought I wanted changed when I started school. I really can't even sleep usually. I think everything that happened in the past needs to be written about so that I feel content with myself again. I keep telling myself, write , write but then I never do. So it's time I sat down and really wrote about my life. I don't care if the whole entire world see's what I've been going through. It just doesn't matter to me. I believe that laying it all out on the table will not only make me feel more secure with myself but possibly give some people a better understanding of who the real Anna is. I'm really not that bad of a person, I swear it.

I don't understand how long it takes someone to realize when they are doing something wrong. I suppose some people will never learn. I just know how badly it hurts to hit rock bottom. Sometimes when people tell you they are sorry, no matter what...They aren't. No matter how hard you try to get the truth out of someone, they won't tell you because they are scared that your opinion of them might change.

Being the last to know about your secrets is not how I want to live my life. Knowing you aren't sorry and that things will never change is a hopeless life. Very sad at that. I don't believe in you anymore. It's sad because you knew me so well but I didn't know you at all. I wonder how I never knew that you changed. So much time went by and still I went on and used to numb the pain. I buried myself alive on the inside just to make sure you didn't know how horrible I felt. Everything I felt for you I hid behind every shot I took. Violence became my lashing out. I became the person I hated most. I was colourless. A sad girl at that.

I really wouldn't want to ever drag myself into that hole again. Really that is what I think I'm scared of now. I believe that is what I drag with me still today. I'm scared if i let someone in they are going to change within the first year I'm with them. I mean they do say that the first year you are with someone that their true colours will come out. I believe that too. Possibly even sooner. Or with alcohol.

This isn't done but I'll write more later to finish it up. <3 muah

I'll admit when I feel like shit

I took it upon myself to decide to switch Beauty schools from Toni and Guy Hairdressing Academy to the Bellingham Beauty School. I really don't feel like I'll be regretting this. I don't want a big name on my resume I just want to be respected. I don't need to make a lot of money to be happy. That is not who Anna is. All I need is enough money to survive. I'm real so I'm standing up for what I believe in and staying at Toni and Guy would make me fake. I just don't want to be representing a company that I don't believe stands for something I actually agree with.

From the outside looking in, Toni and Guy seemed like a dream school to me. I won't lie the feeling I got signing the contract I did with them was undeniable. I never felt so happy in my life. But the feeling I'm getting knowing I'm terminating my education there feels even better. I felt so trapped a week ago. Like there wasn't an ounce of myself left. All I really want is to be able to be myself. You can't do that there. I felt like my life was becoming this huge lie. I really never realized how transparent I was becoming. I started talking like other girls there and dressing like them. I was seriously disgusted with myself, when I looked in the mirror I really felt nasty. I never was part of a world where you had to become something so fake. Ugh just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.

All I know now is that i'm happy to be on my way to something much better. I don't know if writing this will affect anything or change anyone's opinion on Toni and Guy. It really isn't my intentions to do so. I just really needed to get off my chest exactly how I felt about them.

Wow. I haven't even written in my diary since I started at Toni and Guy. Probably because writing in a diary is the last thing on my mind at this point...not that I don't want to , I just really never have any time to myself anymore. I had an anxiety attack at school last week and ended up leaving school early to go to the hospital. I didn't want to but I had no choice really. I went home for a few hours and Uncle Dave convinced me to go to the ER even though I really didn't want to at all. They ran so many different tests on me, it was nerve-racking.

Anyways besides all the stress and everything school has changed me in a weird way. A positive way I've got to say. It's given me a confidence I had no idea that I even had inside me. I really love the person I'm becoming, it's still Anna, but a much stronger/confident girl.

I never thought a beauty school could do that but it did for me. I really need to make sure Sergio is completely out of my life because he is honestly causing me more drama then he is even worth. Well actually, definatly more drama then he is worth haha...It's weird I love being with Chris because he is so much fun and it's fun to be around him, we never really run out of things to talk about and i love that. But he doesn't keep in touch with me too well it seems like so far...

some sort of conclusion

It's not like I never think about you. I do. There isn't a day that goes by that the thought of you or even my Aunt and her precious baby goes through my mind. I just wish things would've worked out differently. I guess I can only blame myself for the immaturity I was dealt with dating at such a young age. It was my mistake. I was taught by my dad that being alone wasn't normal, which I've learned is really not the case. My dad is co-dependant. Unfortunatly for him, he will always be that way. I, however, will not.

I mean I can't deny that there are times lately where I feel like I need someone there. It's human nature to want someone there to hold me and love me. Just to know that someone ginuinely cares about me the same way I do about them. But all I can do is hold onto the hope that I'll find my soul mate. I really am not wanting to settle down anytime soon. I really am not sure I'm even looking for a relationship anymore...I just need to be happy, that's all I want.

It's weird usually I can't just free-write like this. It usually takes a lot more brain power for me to think of anything to write. But lately I've just had so much on my mind. I guess I'm just ready to let it free flow from my thoughts.

The other night I had a dream that it was 2012 and the world was about to end. But it had been 3 minutes after when it was supposed to end so my mom was texting me saying, "Oh well the world isn't going to end now!!" and right as I read that text my cell phone screen began becoming all blurry and I felt the air becoming harder to breathe in. It was like the world was ending I guess...Then I woke up. Then I fell back asleep and had another nightmare. That day didn't end up being a very good day lets just say! Haha!