ATTENTION everyone whos wondering whats wrong with your girl !!!!!

I need to write and clear my head up. I have an hour to meet with that important beezy at Toni and Guy Hairdressing Academy. My world feels tilted. and honestly...nothing feels just about right. I'm trying to figure out what I want with my life. Sometimes I feel like I live through my fantasies I have in my head. That really make no sense. I live in Anna's world I'll be the first to admit.

I make no sense anymore. Everything I thought I wanted changed when I started school. I really can't even sleep usually. I think everything that happened in the past needs to be written about so that I feel content with myself again. I keep telling myself, write , write but then I never do. So it's time I sat down and really wrote about my life. I don't care if the whole entire world see's what I've been going through. It just doesn't matter to me. I believe that laying it all out on the table will not only make me feel more secure with myself but possibly give some people a better understanding of who the real Anna is. I'm really not that bad of a person, I swear it.

I don't understand how long it takes someone to realize when they are doing something wrong. I suppose some people will never learn. I just know how badly it hurts to hit rock bottom. Sometimes when people tell you they are sorry, no matter what...They aren't. No matter how hard you try to get the truth out of someone, they won't tell you because they are scared that your opinion of them might change.

Being the last to know about your secrets is not how I want to live my life. Knowing you aren't sorry and that things will never change is a hopeless life. Very sad at that. I don't believe in you anymore. It's sad because you knew me so well but I didn't know you at all. I wonder how I never knew that you changed. So much time went by and still I went on and used to numb the pain. I buried myself alive on the inside just to make sure you didn't know how horrible I felt. Everything I felt for you I hid behind every shot I took. Violence became my lashing out. I became the person I hated most. I was colourless. A sad girl at that.

I really wouldn't want to ever drag myself into that hole again. Really that is what I think I'm scared of now. I believe that is what I drag with me still today. I'm scared if i let someone in they are going to change within the first year I'm with them. I mean they do say that the first year you are with someone that their true colours will come out. I believe that too. Possibly even sooner. Or with alcohol.

This isn't done but I'll write more later to finish it up. <3 muah