At times this life is confusing

Well I believe life is been very complicated for me lately. I don't know if it is because of the fact that I am alone and not with a significant other or if it is because I'm just not happy with myself. I do realize I don't need someone else in my life to be happy. I won't end up like my mom and what not. It's not my thing. I won't let fear run my life for me.

I'm coming to also realize that life is what I make it. If I surround myself with positive actions and behavior then I'm going to have a positive environment and attitude. So lately, I've just been hanging with the family. They are amazing people and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. If I didn't have them in my life I would be going crazy right now. I'm coming down off my anti depressants so I've been particularly depressed lately but I'm trying to think as positive as possible because I'm not willing to take them anymore. They alter me into this zombie-like person and it's not fun at all. I'd rather just be me. Be Anna. I don't need a pill to justify who I really am inside. I can figure myself out, I will not self medicate...I refuse from this day on.

You can't love me

For once I'd like to believe that I do have a father figure out there. One that is willing to show me what a true father is like. But I have yet to know if such a thing is even real. Lisa has shown me what a mother is like along with a few other people such as Aunt Jen. I really can't believe that most the friends in my life have shown me what family truly means. I never expected family to be as important to me as it is now. But as time goes on I have begun to realize that in the end all you really do have is yourself and you have to learn to grow on your own. Especially when the parents who raised you don't even want to see your face anymore because of fear of how they think they may have raised you.

It's a sad thing, knowing my dad doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. But slowly, I'm actually learning to accept it. If this is what my dad wants then I want nothing to do with him either. Any father that would treat his own blood, his own child like this...doesn't deserve the time of day from me. Or even a single tear. I can't go on trying to make my dad accept me for who I am. It just won't happen. I am Ariana and if he can't just love me for me then this just means he can't even love himself.

Nov. 9, 2008
Things are finally looking up now. Even though sergio has to live with his mom and me at his grandma's. We are almost 2 hours apart. But it feels like another state. I miss him so much I ust wish he was here to hold and comfort me. Every night I'm going to start praying that things keep getting better and that someday soon we can be together again.

(don't worry I'll catch you...)

you worry way too much
every part of you hasn't fallen
look up, not down
your life hasn't yet hit the ground
just give it time
i know you could turn
it all around
hold on to me, make things last
i want things to stay this way
it seems so much easier
with you on my side
i'd get everything done right
i won't leave without putting up a fight

YOU WALKED AWAY from every bitter mistake you always caused
these flaws that now seem so perfect
stay with me we will make this work
please never leave me like you did last time
you hurt me horribly and now you can't take things back

to whom it may concern, look, i know i made a mistake. i figure you may not read this but if there is a slight chance you might, well i'm taking it. Don't sit there and tell me you never want to talk to me again. it's like all feelings were lost once i said what i did and i couldn't take it back. once i made my mistakes i'm not perfect and i never claimed that. i don't expect to be forgiven. why am i even trying. you probably don't want to hear anything i have to say. if i really don't matter to you now i'm really not sure i ever really mattered in the first place, right?

I love being myself,
if you don't like it suck me off. K ? Thanks.
About me? I'm the shit, the end.
Let's see I don't even know what to say anymore, I'm a mess lately.

Oh baby don't hate me
I'm still in love with you
So i'm ready to give everything to you
you have a part in everything I do
Oh baby don't hate me for
running away from you

You may not realize,
but everything you had is gone
and everything that once cherished you,
worshiped you,
and fought for you,
will never be back for you
and I know it kills you deep inside

So i'll just wait
wait for you to cry
to me, so i can laugh
laugh, and walk away from your sorry mistakes

(she talks about you like you put the stars in the sky)