Wow. I haven't even written in my diary since I started at Toni and Guy. Probably because writing in a diary is the last thing on my mind at this point...not that I don't want to , I just really never have any time to myself anymore. I had an anxiety attack at school last week and ended up leaving school early to go to the hospital. I didn't want to but I had no choice really. I went home for a few hours and Uncle Dave convinced me to go to the ER even though I really didn't want to at all. They ran so many different tests on me, it was nerve-racking.

Anyways besides all the stress and everything school has changed me in a weird way. A positive way I've got to say. It's given me a confidence I had no idea that I even had inside me. I really love the person I'm becoming, it's still Anna, but a much stronger/confident girl.

I never thought a beauty school could do that but it did for me. I really need to make sure Sergio is completely out of my life because he is honestly causing me more drama then he is even worth. Well actually, definatly more drama then he is worth haha...It's weird I love being with Chris because he is so much fun and it's fun to be around him, we never really run out of things to talk about and i love that. But he doesn't keep in touch with me too well it seems like so far...

some sort of conclusion

It's not like I never think about you. I do. There isn't a day that goes by that the thought of you or even my Aunt and her precious baby goes through my mind. I just wish things would've worked out differently. I guess I can only blame myself for the immaturity I was dealt with dating at such a young age. It was my mistake. I was taught by my dad that being alone wasn't normal, which I've learned is really not the case. My dad is co-dependant. Unfortunatly for him, he will always be that way. I, however, will not.

I mean I can't deny that there are times lately where I feel like I need someone there. It's human nature to want someone there to hold me and love me. Just to know that someone ginuinely cares about me the same way I do about them. But all I can do is hold onto the hope that I'll find my soul mate. I really am not wanting to settle down anytime soon. I really am not sure I'm even looking for a relationship anymore...I just need to be happy, that's all I want.

It's weird usually I can't just free-write like this. It usually takes a lot more brain power for me to think of anything to write. But lately I've just had so much on my mind. I guess I'm just ready to let it free flow from my thoughts.

The other night I had a dream that it was 2012 and the world was about to end. But it had been 3 minutes after when it was supposed to end so my mom was texting me saying, "Oh well the world isn't going to end now!!" and right as I read that text my cell phone screen began becoming all blurry and I felt the air becoming harder to breathe in. It was like the world was ending I guess...Then I woke up. Then I fell back asleep and had another nightmare. That day didn't end up being a very good day lets just say! Haha!

slowly learning about myself

Well things are slowly reaching a higher level of sanity. If that even makes sense. Life is becoming a lot less complicated and it feels good. I really can't wait for tomorrow because I have a photoshoot with Angela...It's going to be amazing, my very first shoot! I will be posting the pictures up tomorrow right when I get them. Hopefully I get them tomorrow that is.

It's so weird not focusing on relationships and actually just focusing on myself and MY goals rather then chasing boys all the time. I've learned a lot about myself the past few weeks that before, I really couldn't have known. I really couldn't even explain what it is I'm learning besides that I know I'm becoming a happier person not only to myself but to people around me. I really feel like a better person. Now don't get me wrong, I have my days still where I feel down and want to break but I'm doing my best to keep myself sane.

Anyways, I am moving on with the thought that everything is going as planned. I'm gonna wear my lucky panties tomorrow so I'll be good! Hahahaha.

channeling my baby...

I'm going to meet that one girl that the smile on her face lets me know that she actually loves me...I know within these next two weeks I am GOING to meet the love of my life and be with her forever. I'm in such a happy mood right now. I wouldn't change a thing.

My soulmate is going to step her way into my life and surprise me with every breath i'm capable of breathing. I just can't wait to meet her.

I sound like a crazy person, but I don't care!!! fuck it! =]

At times this life is confusing

Well I believe life is been very complicated for me lately. I don't know if it is because of the fact that I am alone and not with a significant other or if it is because I'm just not happy with myself. I do realize I don't need someone else in my life to be happy. I won't end up like my mom and what not. It's not my thing. I won't let fear run my life for me.

I'm coming to also realize that life is what I make it. If I surround myself with positive actions and behavior then I'm going to have a positive environment and attitude. So lately, I've just been hanging with the family. They are amazing people and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. If I didn't have them in my life I would be going crazy right now. I'm coming down off my anti depressants so I've been particularly depressed lately but I'm trying to think as positive as possible because I'm not willing to take them anymore. They alter me into this zombie-like person and it's not fun at all. I'd rather just be me. Be Anna. I don't need a pill to justify who I really am inside. I can figure myself out, I will not self medicate...I refuse from this day on.

You can't love me

For once I'd like to believe that I do have a father figure out there. One that is willing to show me what a true father is like. But I have yet to know if such a thing is even real. Lisa has shown me what a mother is like along with a few other people such as Aunt Jen. I really can't believe that most the friends in my life have shown me what family truly means. I never expected family to be as important to me as it is now. But as time goes on I have begun to realize that in the end all you really do have is yourself and you have to learn to grow on your own. Especially when the parents who raised you don't even want to see your face anymore because of fear of how they think they may have raised you.

It's a sad thing, knowing my dad doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. But slowly, I'm actually learning to accept it. If this is what my dad wants then I want nothing to do with him either. Any father that would treat his own blood, his own child like this...doesn't deserve the time of day from me. Or even a single tear. I can't go on trying to make my dad accept me for who I am. It just won't happen. I am Ariana and if he can't just love me for me then this just means he can't even love himself.

Nov. 9, 2008
Things are finally looking up now. Even though sergio has to live with his mom and me at his grandma's. We are almost 2 hours apart. But it feels like another state. I miss him so much I ust wish he was here to hold and comfort me. Every night I'm going to start praying that things keep getting better and that someday soon we can be together again.

(don't worry I'll catch you...)

you worry way too much
every part of you hasn't fallen
look up, not down
your life hasn't yet hit the ground
just give it time
i know you could turn
it all around
hold on to me, make things last
i want things to stay this way
it seems so much easier
with you on my side
i'd get everything done right
i won't leave without putting up a fight

YOU WALKED AWAY from every bitter mistake you always caused
these flaws that now seem so perfect
stay with me we will make this work
please never leave me like you did last time
you hurt me horribly and now you can't take things back

to whom it may concern, look, i know i made a mistake. i figure you may not read this but if there is a slight chance you might, well i'm taking it. Don't sit there and tell me you never want to talk to me again. it's like all feelings were lost once i said what i did and i couldn't take it back. once i made my mistakes i'm not perfect and i never claimed that. i don't expect to be forgiven. why am i even trying. you probably don't want to hear anything i have to say. if i really don't matter to you now i'm really not sure i ever really mattered in the first place, right?

I love being myself,
if you don't like it suck me off. K ? Thanks.
About me? I'm the shit, the end.
Let's see I don't even know what to say anymore, I'm a mess lately.

Oh baby don't hate me
I'm still in love with you
So i'm ready to give everything to you
you have a part in everything I do
Oh baby don't hate me for
running away from you

You may not realize,
but everything you had is gone
and everything that once cherished you,
worshiped you,
and fought for you,
will never be back for you
and I know it kills you deep inside

So i'll just wait
wait for you to cry
to me, so i can laugh
laugh, and walk away from your sorry mistakes

(she talks about you like you put the stars in the sky)